


Not What You're Thinking

by copperbadge



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M, Sex Games, Stopwatches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-18
Updated: 2008-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-15 07:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen can't help but ask. Ianto can't quite resist telling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not What You're Thinking

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [不是你想的那样](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1423135) by [Qirunwei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qirunwei/pseuds/Qirunwei)



> Coming up with this made me feel like a _god damned genius_. I love a tidy fanfic. *dusts hands*

"So," Gwen said, sitting down next to Ianto on the sofa. "Naked hide-and-seek."

It was a week after she'd walked in on them -- Ianto knew he'd date things for some time to come as Before and After Greenhouse -- which he suspected was just enough time for her to get over the shock of Flat Holm and not quite enough time for her to work it out on her own. Not that Gwen would work things out on her own if she could ask, generally. Nothing if not excruciatingly direct, Gwen Cooper.

"You've been pondering this," he said.

"Well, yes."

"And you want to know how it's played."

Gwen just beamed at him in the way that made him want to get her the number of a good orthodontist.

"It's less aerobic than you think," he said, turning back to the newspaper he'd been reading before Gwen barged in and ended his game of Let's Pretend That Never Happened. A week was not a record but, setting aside his _epic_ game with Jack over who held a gun to whose head, it was close. 

"Really?" she asked in a hushed tone. He lifted an eyebrow at her. "It's just..."

"All you can picture is Jack running naked through the Hub?" he asked. She nodded. 

"And it's really, um." She brushed hair out of her eyes. "Compelling, on one level, but mostly -- "

"Absurd. Because if you've ever seen a naked man run -- "

" -- they look _really stupid_ ," she finished. Ianto nodded. And went back to the newspaper again. 

"Ianto," she prompted.

"I'm not entirely certain I'm comfortable discussing things with you if they involve me being naked," he announced.

"Come on. You know you're dying to tell me about your kinky sex life with Jack. Any ordinary person would be."

"Would be what?" Tosh asked, passing with a laptop balanced on one arm and a USB cable looped around her neck.

"Ianto's explaining the rules of naked hide-and-seek," Gwen said. Ianto could _see_ her processing it, pondering it, picturing it. The moment when she reached the same mental image as Gwen, she bit her lip to keep from laughing. 

"Not what you're thinking," Ianto insisted.

Tosh looked at her laptop and then at Ianto and seemed torn. Ianto sighed and folded the paper. Tosh all but threw the laptop on her desk and settled herself on the arm of the sofa, behind Gwen. 

"You know, you could ask him yourself," Ianto pointed out, turning to them. "He'd probably show you. With intricate diagrams if not hands-on lessons."

"I have this fear that if you don't tell me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life picturing you running through the Hub naked," Tosh said. 

Ianto considered this statement and then decided to place it squarely in the middle of a new inning of Let's Pretend That Never Happened.

"This is just a friendly warning," he said. "Stopwatches are involved."

Both women caught their breath. Ianto prayed Owen was happily distracted by something dead and interesting and Jack's phone call with Torchwood Two would last at least another ten minutes. 

"It -- it doesn't involve any actual physical hiding, however," he said, trying for clinical or at least professional. 

"But it _is_ naked," Tosh said, half-question, half-statement.

"Which is to say...the players are, yes," Ianto said slowly. Tosh put a hand to the base of her throat, an _oh my_ gesture that she was past-master at. Ianto made a mental note to save the CCTV footage for later. Jack would want to see it, and it would be good taunting material for Owen.

As long as he never, ever had to explain to Owen what he was saying.

"One person hides, the other seeks," he continued. In situations like this it was best to pretend to be Jack. Although to be fair Jack would already have at least one of them topless by now if he was really putting his mind to it. "The hider holds the stopwatch."

Gwen and Tosh's eyes both went to the narrow silver chain hanging on his waistcoat. 

"The person hiding thinks of..." he chose his word very carefully, "...a body part. Any body part," he said, as Gwen badly suppressed a giggle. "The person seeking has a set time limit in which to find it."

"How..." Tosh, he could tell, had no idea how to finish that question. 

"Well, that varies. In the usual course of things, hands-only," Ianto managed. Colour was rising very prettily in Gwen's cheeks. "Full body contact is prohibited, naturally. But there are other methods," he added.

See, this was how Jack got into those orgies he'd mentioned now and again. This sort of thing _must_ be how he did it. 

"At any rate, if the seeker, well, finds, then it's their turn to hide. If they don't, and if the hider manages to actually keep track of the time, they get another turn to hide. The obvious idea is to begin mundane -- say the elbow, or the back of the neck, and progress from there."

One of Gwen's shoes was rubbing subtly against her ankle. Ianto let the idea sink in. 

"There's no particular limit on how _long_ one can play the game, but I suppose the point is moot. Eventually, both parties win," he finished. "Unless of course there are stakes involved. Particular requests depending on who wins, et cetera. Then it's rather more competitive."

"Oh," Tosh said. Gwen looked positively dazed.

"That's all, really," he added with a cheerful smile. He picked up his newspaper, sat back, and started reading again. 

"But..." Gwen said, after a few seconds. "Then...how do you _cheat?_ "

"I'm sure you can figure it out if you think about it," came a voice from behind them. Gwen and Tosh jumped; Ianto glanced over their heads at Jack, arms crossed, leaning in the doorway of his office. 

" _Some people_ refuse to abide by the hands-only rule," Ianto pointed out, turning back to his newspaper. 

"Take it up with the international rules and standards committee," Jack shrugged. "I'm sure they'll discipline me appropriately. Weevil-hunting tonight, Ianto?"

"Yes, sir."

"I...am going...over there," Gwen said, pointing to her desk. She stood, a little unsteadily, and walked away. 

"I have. In the archives. Things to...plug in," Tosh blurted, then looked horrified and ran for the stairs. 

"Don't say a word. They asked," Ianto said, as Jack opened his mouth again.

"I think you just got to first base with Tosh," Jack observed.

"I'll have to cut another notch in my headboard."

"You couldn't wait until I could help explain? We could have had an orgy." Jack moved forward until he was standing at the end of the couch, hands in his pockets. "You know nobody can resist those vowels when they're describing lewd acts."

"My vowels are irresistible when they're describing the stopped drains in the loos," Ianto said unconcernedly. "If you want an orgy, Jack, orchestrate one yourself."

There was a long pause.

"Please don't," he added finally. Jack grinned. In the background, they could hear Gwen telling Rhys she'd be home early.

"I have one question for you," Jack said, as Ianto finished with the newspaper and stood to collect up cups before the two-pm coffee riots. 

"Just one, Jack?"

"Why didn't you tell them you invented naked hide-and-seek?"


End file.
